I Am Irrationally Irked by Satanic Creatures That Jump at My Face

Recently, I was asked what I would choose to be rid of if I could eliminate one thing from the world. The asker of said question gave poverty as his answer. I was planning on saying dishonesty, but then I wondered if that answer would be completely honest in itself, since that was by no means the first thing that came to mind. 

The first thing that did come to mind?

Rhaphidophoridae.

Or, more commonly known as spider crickets, sprickets, or camel crickets. 

If God loves you enough to have heretofore kept you blissfully unaware of their existence, allow me to shatter your illusion of comfort, security, and happiness.

Picture a hefty spider with really thick legs. 

Got it? 

Now imagine it jumping at your face.

Congratulations, you have just visualized a spricket. 

I thought about putting up a photo, but I don't want to see that every time I open my blog. Go Google it yourself, thanks.

Now you're thinking, "Jenna, be realistic. Yes, it is larger than the average sized insect, but you are still exponentially larger than it. It may look like it was the love child of a demon and a viperfish, but it's probably harmless. It may jump, but it jumps away from you out of fear."

False. 

Partially.

Yes, they are completely harmless (physically, though I'm less certain that I haven't experienced severe emotional scarring already).

BUT, they jump toward their perceived threats, not away from them. A.K.A. They do jump at my face.

And you know what? Apparently when they don't have enough actual food, they start gnawing on their own legs. THAT IS NOT OKAY. 

Oh, have I mentioned that there's a family of these things that has moved into my house? I don't even want to kill them, because then there are spricket carcasses on the bottoms of my shoes and large textbooks. And...you know...they jump at my face when I attempt to. 

So really.

Sprickets.

Genocide has never seemed like a good idea until now.

Add some sass to your I'm-keeping-my-feet-above-the-floor-until-morning class,

Jenna

I Am Irrationally Irked by Things That Don't Stay Where I Put Them

Take, for example, my keys. 


I leave my apartment, I put them in my bag, I EXPECT THEM TO STAY IN MY BAG.
  
And yet, here I am, sitting outside my apartment at midnight writing a blog post from my front stoop. Trying to drown out the sound of my neighbors watching a John Wayne movie. And have sex. (who has sex while watching westerns? COME ON.)  


And that's not even entirely true. I'm not sitting. Because it recently rained, meaning two things.   
Thing one: the ground is wet.  
Thing two: slugs.  


Not to mention the wild animal I scared off into the bushes. 


Looks like I'll be spending the next couple hours in the library until my roommate gets out of a movie.  Will I be productive? No. Because my books are in my apartment. For once.  


Add some sass to your class,  
Jenna


Update:
Now that that adventure is over and done with, allow me to share three things I've learned.


One:
My roommate is great.


Two:
Clemons closes at midnight on weekends.


Three:
The acoustics of the stairwell in Newcomb are really fun to sing Adele with. 

I Am Irrationally Irked By Things That Are Socially Unacceptable to Say

Have you ever had a teacher crush?
Not the young one who's cute and witty.
I'm talking an intellectual teacher crush. Someone who possesses a brain that you wish you could borrow or steal or replicate. Someone who instills the urge to be a better human being. Who restores faith in mankind.


Welcome to my life right now.


This man is amazing. And I don't say that lightly.
But that's the problem. I really want him to think I'm great too (granted, in my own less intelligent, quirky way.)


So I've been avoiding contact.


I don't go to office hours.
I sit in the back.
If I saw him on the street, I would probably tuck and roll into a shrubbery.


Because as long as we remain strangers, I can pretend that we're still going to be best friends whenever we do meet.


This is not brilliant, I know.


I mean, he's even leading the study abroad program I am doing in London over the summer. I am going to be in contact with this man eventually. I might as well get it over with.


And yet.


I'm not really great when it comes to first impressions. I can come on a little strong. I can be a little quirky. It might be considered creepy. When I get nervous, I have much less of a verbal filter. I wouldn't be able to control what I was saying.


Maybe you think I'm exaggerating. Well, I'll let you decide.


This is how I think things will go the first time I officially meet this man:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUNJVOfooDY&feature=youtu.be

Add some sass to your class,
Jenna

I Am Irrationally Irked by Buses that Brake Suddenly

You know, I'm not a graceful person.
This is kind of a given in my life, but I think I should note that my condition is exacerbated if it is before 11 A.M. My body just doesn't want to stay vertical. 

It's a problem.
 
Especially on buses. Buses that are so full, I am standing. 
So there I was this morning, exhausted, NOT excited to go to my discussion, and ready to catch my bus. I board this herculean form of transportation.

The situation: 
I am standing facing the left side of the bus, very close to the driver, and holding on to the rail above me with just my right hand. For any other person, that would probably be a stable enough position to ride the bus without shame. Not for me, though. 

The  bus brakes suddenly. 

I'm still holding on with my right hand, but my entire body swings to my left. I throw out my left hand to try and grab something, but instead I just hit the bus driver on the shoulder. I stayed in this position, right hand on rail, body sprawled against the side of the bus, left hand groping the driver, for far longer than I should have. 

Everyone in the front half of the bus just stared. 
I didn't say anything.

Except, of course, when I exited the bus.
Instead of thanking the bus driver like I usually do, I departed with, "Sorry I groped you! Normally I don't move this fast."

What can I say? It was early.

Add some sass to your class,
Jenna

I Am Irrationally Irked at Signs From Above

THIS is a three seed demi loaf. You can purchase one at your local Panera Bread location.

But you won't. Because no one ever does. Because they're weird. It's just reallllly seedy bread. And there's a reason that can be taken both literally and figuratively. 

At my location, we generally sell one maybe once a month. Maybe. 

I started noticing this after I began doing runout more regularly at the end of the night and counting everything we had left over. Guess what? We always had the three seed loaf. We always make one for the day, and we always have one at closing. It's just how it is. So I made a resolution. 

I would take it as a sign from above if I ever sold one. It would be God telling me it was time to quit my job, because I couldn't keep working there once the impossible had been achieved. 

It became a running joke among some of my coworkers and I. Whenever someone else would sell one, someone would text me to tell me. I would be upset. Very upset. 

So lately I've been thinking about finding another job. I was disappointed that I hadn't sold one yet, but I wasn't going to let that stop me from leaving once I had found another source of employment that suited my needs better. I mean, it was just a joke, right? 

Cue my shift today.

I rang a few customers. I was condensing the bread wall, and I noticed the three seed loaf. In all the chaos of my life and my decisions concerning the real world lately, I've been almost entirely dependent on my prayer life for verification that I'm not insane. So while I was rearranging bread, I thought to myself, "God, when it's time for me to leave, let me sell this dang three seed loaf."

Customer #5:

Me: "What can I get for you today?"

Customer: "I'd like a three seed demi loaf, please."

Me: "....A what?"

Customer: "A three seed demi loaf. Do you still have one?"

Me: "....Of course we still have one...We always have one..."

Customer's face:

Me: "I'll go get that for you."

I was then freaking out. A lot. 

And you know what? 

I put in my two weeks notice. 

Call me crazy. That's fine. 

Forget the sass. Forget the class.

Here's to acting on faith,

Jenna

I Am Irrationally Irked by UVA Sustainability

TRY JUST ONE.

If you use the restrooms around grounds, you've probably seen a UVa Sustainability sponsored sticker telling you this as you get a paper towel to dry your hands. If you haven't seen this, then dude, wash your hands. 

In general, I don't really take issue with this. I'm all for eco friendly shenanigans. But sometimes I can't just take one. 

Take this evening for instance. And by evening, I mean 3:25 A.M.

I'm currently in the second circle of the Inferno with Boo. (The Inferno being Clemons, and the second circle being the second floor. Anyway.)

Boo sometimes has problems. With liquids. Staying inside containers. Inevitably, she will spill it either A) on herself, B) in her immediate vicinity, or C) all over my bed (different story). Tonight, she decided to embrace option B. 

I'm used to this, so I thought it was hilarious. When I stopped laughing maniacally, I went to grab some paper towels to help clean up the spill. Didn't want it to turn into something like this: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AAa0gd7ClM&ob=av3e

I happened to walk into the restroom at the same time as another girl. She went straight to the mirror to fix her hair, and I went straight to grab paper towels. On about towel number four, I noticed she was looking over at me. Not just looking, glaring. Apparently taking more than one when your hands aren't even wet is somewhat frowned upon. I think that if I had had a decent amount of sleep in the past six days that I would have remained silent and let her judge me. But you know....I didn't. Instead I turned around and said, 

"No, I'm not trying just one."

Then I left. 

I regret nothing.

Add some sass to your class,

Jenna

I Am Irrationally Irked By Other Distracting Students

I can be distracting.
I have very little concentration sometimes, especially in classes like, oh, say, environmental science. I make up for my lack of focus with an excess of sass. Normally this is great. But in a classroom setting, it can be problematic. I can turn into a distraction for other people. So I try to restrain myself. But sometimes it just seems like people are begging me to not pay attention to the lecture.


Take today for instance.


Distraction #1:
A kid in the row in front of me was playing Pokemon on his laptop. I'm pretty sure it was sapphire edition. I was excited. I wanted to be his friend.
Instead, I just stared. I may or may not have looked like a complete creeper.


Distraction #2:
The kids taking pictures in Photobooth.
I'm not saying I've never done this in class before. I understand the boredom that can arise in classes you know you'll probably never think about again after the semester is over. It happens.
But this distraction was my favorite because they included me in it.
Unintentionally.


You know that triangle of space that occurs when two people put their heads together for a picture? Like from the neck to the shoulder?


That triangle was framing my face.


So I waited. I just looked over from time to time until I saw him press the button to snap the picture.
It counted down.


3


2


1


Then I looked over and made this face:

I know they noticed.

They cough laughed. They tried to be subtle while looking over their shoulder. Of course, I only saw this from the corner of my eye, because I was just staring at my computer and pretending to be furiously typing notes. 

I regret nothing. 

Add some sass to your photo-bombing class,

Jenna